


Insecurities

by AncientQueen



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward phone-call, F/M, The rating has changed, now with smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:27:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29571033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AncientQueen/pseuds/AncientQueen
Summary: Nadine and Mike B. after he ended things. Post 3.23.
Relationships: Mike Barnow/Nadine Tolliver
Comments: 20
Kudos: 11





	1. Her Insecurities

Mike had ended whatever they had, quite harshly, too angry and hurt to even look her in the eyes. She understood his reasoning, but she strongly disagreed with it, her work HAD to come first. Still, her heart hurts and she feels guilty. He had hurt her, yes, but she knows that she has hurt herself, too. So much that she still hasn't been able to analyze all the levels of her pain. She had tried so hard to keep Mike at a distance to protect herself from exactly this kind of hurt. Too bad that aside from failing, she now has to deal with mourning a relationship that never really reached it’s potential, mainly because of her reluctance to give it a go.

That and the memory of the situation with Daisy, when she found the photo of Mike and Simone Le Clair. For a split second, Nadine saw pity in Daisy’s face. She saw herself, a pathetic older woman with a younger man… that painfully embarrassing moment was still hanging over her. She was not sure if Daisy had even thought that way, but she herself had and it had been unbearable. Everything after that was in part just her running away from the brutality of that moment. Daisy and her talked about Mike a few days later, Daisy felt a bit guilty because she had brought the EiL part up. Nadine had told her that Mike will come back, but she said that just to gloss over the Simone Le Clair moment, to feel better about it. In truth, she cannot see him coming back and she does not know if she could handle it, either.

She does knows that she cannot bring any of this up with Mike, cannot explain herself and her feelings, that would make her too vulnerable, give him an insight she cannot let him have. That is simply impossible. The idea is pointless, since Mike and her aren’t talking anyway. 

She knows for sure that her ability to handle whatever was thrown at her at work, her sharp wit, her intelligence and her experience are top notch, no one can beat her at her game on the seventh floor. But she can feel a giant blow to her self-confidence, her poise. She used to think quite highly of herself, her looks, her spirit, her sexuality. Suddenly, she has to face the idea that maybe she has overestimated her own allure. Or that she has unconsciously started to believe in the general expectations towards the place women her age have to occupy and failed to realize that change in her own values. She is not sure which one of this options she hates more. She never questioned herself, this is new and very unwelcome, it's so not her.

She looks in the mirror and sees more lines in her face. She has lost 3 pounds since the break-up, which is certainly not helping. She misses the rosy glow that had been there when she was with Mike, partly because of the sex, partly because she felt appreciated, but for the largest part because she was really happy. She misses that happiness, but for most, she misses him. Another side effect of this is that she is more keenly aware of the changes her body goes through. Menopause is not for the faint of heart, even on good days. And it’s not that she currently has good days.

Mike and her had never once talked about their age difference, he had never made even the slightest throw-away comment, nothing. She knew that he had never been with a woman her age before, but that had simply not been a factor. He was hungry for her, praised her beauty, her sexiness but also her other qualities and she had no reason to question him. 

He had always been open and honest with her. And sexually, they had done so well, their chemistry was off the charts, the mix of her experience and his enthusiasm was magical. Or „crazy“ as he had put it so sweetly, with that sudden bright and - oh fuck off - youthful smile back then in her office. And he had really rocked her world, especially after Vincent and Glenn, both nice and experienced, but lukewarm in comparison to him. Mike and his hotness, his intensity, the way he had looked at her, the way he had fucked her, made love to her like she was the center of his world. He did not commend on the only physical factor that was connected to her age, the lube she always insisted on. But he had bought a much more sophisticated one and then another, adding it to their shared experience, enhancing their pleasure. He had been sweet and considerate. She had not even thought about it when it happened.

She did not feel younger when she was with him, that was not it, it was just that she felt energized, appreciated, beautiful and that a lot of her worries seemed meaningless. Now they hit her like a ton of bricks.

She wears her blouses more buttoned up, a scarf around her neck, flat shoes, wide trousers. She even bought a new lipstick, the color is kinda „worm flesh“, but it feels safe, she does not want to make a spectacle of herself right now. She also thinks about not dyeing her hair anymore, grey would suit her well. Maybe now IS the time to transit into her „golden years“, grey or not. She always thought that that transition would happen slowly and without her making a conscious decision, like adolescence had just happened, but what does she know, it’s her first time getting old.

Sometimes Nadine feels that her humor is just around the corner, but as it is, she just cannot laugh about herself or feel even the slightest bit of the obvious irony. She KNOWS that she is making all this shit up, but she still can’t shake it. She also knows that she’ll recover from this blow, give herself time until she starts to heal. 

She feels really lonely for the first time in decades. 

Mike had not been seen on the seventh floor for 2 weeks now, she is glad about this small fortune, she needs time to lick her wounds, seeing him would rattle her to her core again and she cannot have another round of that right now. 

As hard as she concentrates to not show her misery at work, Elizabeth has probably noticed a difference in her. It wouldn’t take a mastermind to draw a connection to the EIL situation with Mike, of course Elizabeth knows that something is going on. Maybe she can send her another bat signal, maybe she does not even have to do that, Elizabeth likes to overstep and meddle, which in this case, could be good for her. Nadine knows that Elizabeth is on her side, she trusts her. Maybe she can make an offhand comment and see what happens.

She just has to sort out her priorities and get over her insecurities. She must make up her mind, find out what she really wants. And make sure she is ready to deal with whatever Mike really wants, one way or the other. Too bad that her failure to decide had put her in this situation in the first place. This still feels like too much to handle, but remaining in this status is not really an option, it's too painful.


	2. His Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikes point of view.

Mike had managed to avoid being at the seventh floor for two weeks, he cannot see Nadine right now, he just can’t. He is not certain what would happen if they'll meet. Part of him still wants to shout at her, another part wants to forgive her. There is also that small part that wants to take her in his arms and kiss her, tell her that he didn't mean to end things like he did and ask her to take him back. Not one of this parts is acceptable and the last one downright scares him, because that is him being crazy. He knows himself, his strengths and his weaknesses, he usually knows how he feels, what he wants. Currently he is badly hurt by what he sees as Nadines betrayal and thrown out of his own orbit. He does not like this at all.

After their fight, when he had calmed down, he could see her point of view, at least professionally. After Vincent Marsh had corrupted her so much, she HAD to prove herself not only to Elizabeth, but to herself, too. He can see that now. 

But privately - hadn’t he deserved a little more from her? Was he really so out of line to expect consideration, a question? Space and time to explain himself? 5 minutes would have been enough, but he was not even worth that 5 minutes of her time. After their argument, she didn’t try any kind of approach. She had snapped shut like a damned oyster and he was too furious to look behind her sudden hostility. 

But he cannot shake the feeling that there had been a part in their fight that he cannot grasp. 

Nadine is always so fierce, so fearless. He admires that about her. But there was something, something she was fighting as much as she was fighting him, a deep distress he had never sensed in her before. She hid it well, he had to dig for it later, when he let the fight run through his head again and again. Which he certainly did not want to do and still does not, he wants to forget about the fight, about her. 

He tries to get over her, tries to forget her. Like he got over Simone Le Clair. He had been just divorced back then, free as a bird. She was a pretty woman with nice blonde hair, a nice body, nicely robust, all about her had been so very, very nice. But she was boring and something was off with her. They had sex a few times, then just stopped seeing each other, no big fight, no difficult emotions. Many months later, he found out about her political views. He could never be with a right wing woman. When Elizabeth brought his connection to EIL up, he needed a second to even remember that he had been in her bed. Not that he said anything about it, it was pointless, embarrassing and no ones business. 

Still - there was something nagging on his consciousness, just outside his reach. He was missing something. 

Was it possible that Nadine, with her endless resources and her connections did not only find out about his connection with EIL, but also about him and Simone and was, what - jealous? Even the idea seems ridiculous to him. Of course Nadine knew that he was serious with her, really serious. He had told her right from the start that he liked her and he has always been open about his growing feelings for her. Not with words, that seemed impossible, he would have scared her away. She had not ever said anything about her feelings. When he includes the fact that she didn't contact him, he sees a picture of them together that he does not like. Him only being convenient for her while he was more and more involved. 

But there are the unspoken tell-tale signs of affection. In private, Nadine has been affectional, cuddly (when she was sleepy), considerate and sweet. Well, not always sweet, but who needs sweet in bed. She had made him feel like a fantastic lover. He misses making her come, misses how she whispered his name, misses holding her in the afterglow, misses how she melted into his embrace. He misses a lot right now. 

Most of all, he misses her company. Her smile, her intelligence, her insights and the fun they had when they were together, may it be sitting at a restaurant joking around, or watching TV making snide comments about politicians, sharing their opinions. It’s so precious to be on the same level with a person and he feels that Nadine is his equal. And there is the fact that she is beautiful and really does it for him. If he is honest with himself, he cannot deny himself to at least try to talk to her. He needs to know why she was so desperate in her office, needs to know if he still has a chance, if she is willing to even consider taking him back.

Maybe he'll test the waters in a few days. He can always call Elizabeth about a business task and hear if she has something to say about Nadine. Of course he’s not going to ask, but maybe Elizabeths CIA training in reading people can be helpful and not annoying for once. He just needs to get over his anger a little more, miss Nadine a little more. 

But first and foremost, he must gather his strenghts do deal with her being done with him.


	3. Her Contemplations

After another week, Nadine starts to feel a little more like herself again. She decides against the grey hair, at least for the time being, resumes to use her red lipstick, it just looks better on her. She finds that she likes her figure hugging clothes again and that she can look in a mirror and feel kinda okay. She even eats again, at least when she remembers it. Still, she struggles when it comes to the break-up with Mike, she is still deeply hurt and angry, partly about herself. There was also an emptiness, a sadness in her, nothing sharp, just insistent and irritating.

Nadine knows that Elizabeth did call Mike about some dirt on Senator Michaelson and had arranged a meeting. Nadine saw his name on the organizer and chickened out, quite embarrassingly so. But she couldn’t help herself. She went to a work lunch with Blake and used every minute she had left until she went back to her office. There was no sign of Mike or Gordon. 

But her relief and calm was short lived. Mike had written her a short note, it was on her desk, she saw it as soon as she sat down. Just three words: „Can we talk?“ She feels like a huge burden falls off her shoulders. A second later, every single doubt that has tortured her in the last 3 weeks hit her again. She stands in her office and barely avoids bursting into tears. She gets impatient with herself, this nonsense has to stop, she is an adult woman after all. 

After work, she thinks about it, unable to decide on what to do, how to react. The first night, she drinks three glasses of wine while contemplating her options, hoping that in vino veritas would happen for her. What does happen is a hungover. Well, that is her own fault. At least it is a long day at work and she is so busy that she does not think about Mike at all. Small fortunes again. The next evening, she sits on her kitchen island, when she suddenly hs the idea that Mike just wants her to pick up her stuff. That feels like a cold shower in winter. She comes to accept that she’ll never know until she contacts him. 

Which still leaves her at „What do I want?“ again. Realistically - she feels that she is already through the worst of it. She cannot imagine herself in a serious relationship anyway. She had dreamed about having that with Vincent. Only to see how that dream of domestic bliss had turned out, his lies, his betrayal, the incalculable risks she had taken in her naivety, her trust in him and in the end, the weight of the guilt was all she got. Glenn - he had been the opposite, all about safety, long-term, she just couldn't bring herself to commit to that, to him. So she is pretty sure that she can just let this go, return to the life she lived before she and Mike were „on“.

It was a good life, quiet and calm, she really liked being alone and if not, she could always call a friend and go out. Washington is full of men looking for fun without commitment. She knows from experience that for her, a one-night-stand is just a smile away at the bar. She had smiled before, the strangers she’d chosen had been more or less competent, but she was experienced enough to use them for her pleasure, her body usually satisfied when they left. So it’s not that she has to be alone at night or live like a nun. Still, right now, she can’t imagine taking a man home to fuck, she seriously does not want to go there. Honestly, she feels too tired for that game and most important, the very idea of it feels like betrayal, like cheating. On Mike. 

She knows that her thoughts are running in circles and decides to go to bed early. So she ends up watching the stars through the big panorama window in her bedrom, missing Mikes body snuggled up to her. Damn, why must she romanticize them together so much. They had a thing, but this is ridiculous. Still, she can't shake the feeling of loss, she is missing something vital, important in her life. 

On the morning of the third day, she accepts her inability to make a decision. She also realizes that she has to act NOW, or the window of opportunity would close, Mike is not really the most patient man and her silence would be a clear answer soon. So she goes the only route that she can think of, she brings up Senator Michaelson during the morning briefing with Elizabeth. Nadine sees that split second of a smile, before the Secretary of State explains the rumors about the Senator - as if Nadine does not know about it - as a prelude to ask Nadine to take the interrogation from her. Nadine agrees and Elizabeth tells her that she’ll inform Mike B. Nadine agrees to that, too, with a small smile. They have eye contact for a short moment. Elizabeth manages to hide her shit-eating grin, if only barely. Nadine does not really care, she puts on her most professional face back on and leaves gracefully. 

She needs a moment when she is back in her office, though. She is equally relieved and scared. She did make her move, even if it is a small one. Something will happen. She has no idea what, but she is going to find out soon, one way or the other.


	4. His Contemplations

Mike had taken long walks with Gordon, he spend the weekend at a friends cabin, even if he couldn’t quite believe himself, he did enjoy the nature, he relaxed, things moved into perspective. He had nursed his emotions, now he can function better. What does not change are the feelings of sadness, longing and - damn - loneliness. 

He had always thought that his failed marriage had been the worst he could go through and in many ways it has been, but falling out of love with his wife had been a slow, gradual process. The divorce had been horrible, but that was as much his fault as his ex-wife’s and while it had nearly destroyed his reputation and DID ruin his chances for a career in politics, he had seen it as a necessary act to regain his freedom. His break-up with Nadine has been different, because the situation had overwhelmed him, his feelings had been so raw and painful. And because in his heart, he did not want things to end, especially not like this, even if his anger was justified. 

He had not exactly seen himself with Nadine in the future, but he does not waste time on imagine his future anyway, his divorce taught him that. She had talked about the foreseeable future once, when she told him to keep their affair quiet. He had sensed a fear of commitment in her then, something he could comprehend. He was a little disappointed, but it was not in his nature to question his significance in her life. 

The idea that she could be worried about their age difference comes to him much later. Of course he knows that she is older than him, quite a bit actually. If it was the other way around, noone would even think about it. The age difference between Henry and Elzabeth McCord is bigger and noone EVER mentions that. 

He never brought it up with Nadine, thinking that neither of them felt the need to state the obvious. And it absolutely makes no difference for him. They both cannot change their age, like they can't change their life experiences and the scars that remained. When he thinks of Nadine, he has many words for her, „older“ takes a place far down on the list of words he associates with her, far below „beautiful“, „intelligent“, „petite“, „annoying“, „bossy“, „elegant“… the list is endless. But he has no idea how high "younger" is on HER list. 

He had been called by Elizabeth, she wanted him to investigate on the scumbag Senator Michaelson who was rumored to trick allies and opponents into „relations“ with prostitutes only to blackmail them. Elizabeth wants him to dig in the dirt. They arrange a meeting in her office to exchange informations. His expensive suits and shoes have always been his armor and he dresses even more impeccable as usual, like a knight going to war. He has mixed feelings, he would like to see Nadine, but he has no idea how they both will react. In the end, it doesn’t matter, she is nowhere to be seen, her intern tells him that she is at lunch with Blake. He manages to not snort. As if Nadine would do lunch. She is just avoiding him.

His briefing with Elizabeth runs smoothly, he has already contacted the right people to dig into the mess. Apparently Elizabeth does have something else to tell him, though. She looks him straight in the eyes „I do not care about details, but Nadine is not in a good place right now. She would never talk about it and she is professional as usual, but I see how much energy that costs her. If you have anything to do with that, make things right!“ Now that irritates him „What makes you think that I’m responsible, maybe she did that to herself?“ He realizes then, too late, that she has made him expose himself. Elizabeth just rolls her eyes: „What did I just say about details?“ He knows a dismissal when he hears one, so he leaves her office. 

He uses the elevator to leave, but on the way down, he comes to think about Elizabeth’s words. So Nadine had been suffering, just like him. Does that change things for him? In a way, yes, it does. He feels a little bolder, more determined to give her - them - another chance, even if it is the chance to end things properly, like adults. He hits the elevator button to the seventh floor. Blake’s desk is free, Mike sits down, grabs a post-it and writes a very short note. He walks over to Nadines office, gestures to her intern and enters it. For a moment, the smell of her perfume lingering in the air nearly overwhelms him, he realizes that lied to himself, he still misses her like crazy. He puts the notice on her desk and leaves. The ball is in her court now, he can wait.

The truth is, he is not really good at waiting. 3 days later, he wakes up sure that he’ll not hear from Nadine, that they are done for good. He also feels like an idiot for giving her the note.

When Elizabeth calls him, he finds that he is angry with her, her interference triggered him into action and now he resents her for his own mistake. He manages to hide it behind his professionalism. Elizabeth is in a hurry: „Mike, for the moment, I’ve delegated the management of the Michaelson-investigation to Nadine. Please call her secretary and arrange an appointment. And yes, she basically volunteered, just an hour ago.“ Mike is speechless for once. At least he manages to end the call with a minimum of dignity. 

He needs a long time to feel balanced again. Things are moving again, the direction unclear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did write a smutty last chapter already. We'll see if I dare to post it. Before, they first have to meet. I'm working on that.  
> I do apologize for the syntax, I know it's bad.


	5. Awkward

Mike decides to be proactive for once and calls Nadines secretary one hour later.  
"Hello Mr. Barnow, please wait a second, I’ll put you through to Mrs. Tolliver“.  
Mike takes a deep breath.  
  
"Mrs. Tolliver, Mr. Barnow is on the phone.“  
Nadine takes a deep breath.  
  
"Hello Mike“  
  
"Hello Nadine“  
  
"…"  
  
"…"  
  
"Hi Nadine….“  
  
"Mike, I…“  
  
"Emmm... well - we should make an appointment to compare our notes about the Senator…“  
  
"Yes. Before we decide about the next steps in the investigation...  
How are you, Mike?“  
  
"I’m… trying. And you?“  
  
"I’m doing okay.“  
  
"..."  
  
"Yeah… …Mike, I don’t even know what to say, but… talking is good.  
  
"I don’t... know... what to say either. And yes. Not easy, but good.“  
  
"Mike, this is…ehhh… this is ridiculous.  
What about Friday, around 6 pm? Pick a place.“  
  
"Fine. What about the Chinese Restaurant on K-Street? The size of their tables is fine for binders and tablets. We can do business, eat something and if we are both up to it, we can talk.“  
  
"Okay… that sounds…  
Mmmh... okay. See you there.“  
  
"Good, see you.“  
  
"Mike… thank you for the note.“  
  
"Nadine…thank you.“  
  
"Bye…“  
  
"Bye…“  
  
Nadine sits at her desk, shaking her head about herself. "That must have been the most awkward phone-call I ever had.“ She opens her drawer and takes a small piece of wrapped chocolate out. Emergency food she rarely needs. Savoring it, she notices that she feels lighter, more confident.  
  
Mike stands in his office, watching the phone in his hand in disbelief. "That was sooooo clumsy.“ It's morning, too early for a drink, which is too bad, he could use one. But he does feel relieved.  
  
They both take a moment to calm down, to find peace. And then there is work to do.


	6. Her Preparations

It’s Friday! Nadine has left work early, poor Jay did not even know what hit him when she dropped her unfinished work on his desk and left. She only took a binder and her laptop with her. Now she is at home, in her closet, considering what to wear to her Not-Only-Work dinner with Mike.  
  
Their phone call had been full of long silences and awkward stammering, but also filled with longing. She’ll try her best to get their „thing“ back on track, and she believes that Mike will want the same.  
  
It is tricky to appear simultaneously professional, approachable and… well, subtly sexual. She has ruled out sex for tonight, they have to clear things up and they’ll have to give themselves time to think about it. Still, a gentle reminder of her assets can’t hurt. She decides to wear her victorian blouse in black, with at least 14 of the tiny buttons open for his viewing pleasure, combined with her red Mala necklace snuggly around her neck. Nadine thinks that Mike will appreciate her effort. For the casual part, she choses tight black jeans. No heels, they will have to leave their shoes in the entrance area anyway. She brushes her freshly cut and dyed hair, she’ll wear it in soft curls around her face and neck. Subtle eye make-up, just enough to accentuate her brown eyes, red lipstick - that’s it. A light, fresh Eau De Toilette on her pulse points finishes her appearance.  
  
She poses in front of her full-lengths mirror. She looks - good. A sophisticated, elegant woman who knows what she wants and usually gets it. She takes a deep breath, smiles at herself, she is ready to go. Nadine knows that today she will be open, exposing her vulnerability, her fears and her concerns. She is ready for that, too.  
A lot is at stake, she’s ready to fight for what she wants. Nadine leaves her condo and drives to the restaurant.


	7. His Preparations

Mike has just made it home, the conference had been endless, far longer than scheduled. He'd had to fight the urge to look at his watch every minute, to not roll his eyes at every prolonged monologue. At least on his way back traffic had been mercifully fluid, he could walk Gordon and take a shower before he had to leave for the meeting with Nadine. Nadine - he had thought about her the whole day.  
  
He is exited to see her again, but also nervous. He needs to get his point across, needs her to agree on the basics of what he wants from their relationship - or at least be open to compromise.  
  
They both need an in-depths conversation about their feelings and their expectations, as uncomfortable as this will make Nadine - and him, too, if he is honest with himself. He hopes that they’ll end the evening in agreement, he does not think that they’ll end it in one of their beds, they’ll both will need time to work „them“ out. IF they agree that there is a "them".

After shower and shaving, he decides on jeans and a slightly casual long sleeved shirt in blue from his favorite tailor, no tie. He looks dapper, relaxed and - well - good.

He grabs his briefcase, pats Gordons head and leaves for the restaurant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two short chapters before I start to write the beast that comes next.


	8. The Dance Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dance Part I

Nadine is already seated when Mike arrives, he takes a moment to center himself, to get his nerves under control before the waitress walks him to their table. Nadine looks up, cautious. She is just so stunning, wearing one of his favorite blouses, looking casual, but elegant as usual. When Nadine doesn't see hostility in his face, she smiles at him. He smiles back, a little nervous. He sits down across her, they don’t touch when they greet each other.

"Shall we do business first?“

"Did you eat today?“

Two hours later, work is done, food was delicious and they cannot pretend that they have anything else left to do but talk about their argument and their relationship. 

Nadine starts the dance. “I’m sorry for not talking to you first.“ 

Mike nods. “And I’m sorry for going off on you and then running from your office. I think that on top of my anger, I was overwhelmed by the realization that you can hurt me like this.“

Nadine is a little startled. Mike really hits the ground running here. “I get that, it has been the same for me. But I was already struggling with my feelings, I was devastated.“

“I saw that you were struggling. There was an underlying emotion radiating off you I just couldn’t make sense of. What about the EIL job rattled you so much?“

This is difficult for Nadine. "Mike, I… told Daisy about us. That we were dating. Daisy googled you, which I never did. And… there was a photo, you with a woman, Simone Le Clair. We'd never talked about exclusivity, I’d just assumed that you wouldn't see anyone else. I didn’t see that coming. It was so embarrassing, I felt like an idiot…“ 

She cannot look at him, so she looks down. Does he have the right to know? She makes her decision on the spot, looks up, right into his eyes. “Because for a moment, we were not you and me, but an older woman clinging to a younger man, with a much more appropriate other woman in the picture.“ 

This still hurts, she holds up her hand, stopping him from reacting. He stays silent, waiting for her to elaborate. “I've been Vincent Marsh’s mistress for 6 years. During those 6 years, I fought very hard to not empathize with his wife, Arabelle. I felt guilty, but that did not stop me. But - and I’m not proud of it - I also felt a little contempt for her naiveté. How could she not know. I was SO certain that I would have known. And then, the tables were turned. Vincent cheated on me, too - in more than one way. It nearly broke me, but it felt like karma, like something I deserved.“

Mike wants to hug her, she looks like she is about to cry. "And when it was all over… who turned out the naive woman in the end? Vincent was about to throw me away like a ragged doll and I really thought he loved me. He betrayed me, too. When I saw that picture of you posing with this woman, I saw myself and Arabelle, betrayed women. I felt the contempt I had for her directed at me. I couldn’t bear it. And…“ Her vision is blurred now, her voice soft. "…I too hadn't even known that you could hurt me so much.“

Mike reaches over the table and puts his hand over hers. “Let me make myself very clear now, Nadine. I. Did. Not. Cheat. On. You. With. Simone. Le. Clair! Or any other woman. There has been no one but you. I’m not a cheater. I’m not like Vincent Marsh. If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t be. I wouldn't betray your trust.“

He pauses, searching for the right words, now he is struggling.

“But…?“

"I DID have a short affair with her, once, right after my divorce. It didn’t work out, we ended it after a few weeks, no hard feelings. After that, we only ever met for business.“ 

She thinks about it. "Okay. I can’t be mad about your past, we all have one. Thank you for telling me.“

He hesitates, but he has to say it. "You could've asked me about her, too.“ Nadine nods. “I can see that now, but then, all I could think about was how good Vincent had been with the lies, the pretense, the excuses. I couldn’t trust you. I know that none of that is your fault, but it’s difficult to shake my bad experiences off.“

They both feel a little more comfortable now, sitting in silence for a moment. 

Mike remembers something she said earlier. "You told Daisy about us? I like that.“ He smiles at her.

She rolls her eyes, but smiles back. She feels so much better already.

But there is still one issue. As much as she dreads it, she has to address it. "The age difference between us was a contributing factor to the way I reacted, to my insecurity. I can't ignore it any longer. We never once talked about it, but I'll need to know what you think, where we stand with that.“

For the first time this evening, something seems easy for Mike. "Nadine, you know how attracted I am to you. You see me staring, you feel my body reacting. You are beautiful, clever, intelligent and so very sexy. I don’t think that our age difference is a problem.“

She pauses. "For me, it has become one.“

"It’s not that I’m that much younger. I believe that we are pretty much on the same place in life. We both went through relationships, we both know how much failure hurts and how to move on, we both have a child, are successful and very involved in our jobs. I don’t see it as an issue.“ 

She considers that for a moment. "Interesting take, I can agree with that point of view. For the moment. But maybe this will become a problem later.“ 

He just has to tease her here. "So long-term is an option?“ 

She smiles. "Oh, get a grip, Barnow!“

They are both grinning now. 

He needs her to tell him how she feels. “Nadine, please tell me what you want.“

She collects her thoughts, considering what is most important for her. "I want to be with you. I want you as my friend, as my lover. I want to trust you. And I need you to be lenient with me when work is so busy that I don’t realize when something is wrong between us.“

He nods at that. "That makes a lot of sense, I can do that.“

Nadine hesitates. “I’m still afraid that I’ll be hurt again, being as emotional involved as I am with you scares me.“

He shares that feeling. "I’m scared, too. But when we acknowledge, respect and protect each others feelings and make an effort to be open and honest, we can avoid pain.“

"That sounds like a good plan. And you, Mike? What do you want?“ 

He smiles, voicing his wishes has never been a problem for him. “I want you to trust me. I want to be important for you. I don’t want to feel just convenient, I want to be a vital part of your life. I don’t want us to be a secret. I want to be your plus one and you to be mine.“

He gives her a wicked smile. "And - I want to sleep with you as often as you like.“

At that, she gives him her best seductive killer smile, before she is serious again. "All very reasonable! And I like the last point.“

They sit in silence, both emotional exhausted, but in agreement and relieved, even a bit giddy.

"You want dessert?"

"Maybe we can share something.“

She actually eats 2 full spoons of the dessert, he thinks that she is celebrating. He watches her mouth, her lips, she sees and makes a little show, licking some cream off her upper lip. 

"I want to kiss you. Not necessary now, but later, when I walk you to your car.“

"Kissing sounds great… but…“

"Yeah, not tonight.“

"What are your plans for tomorrow? Would you like to take me out?“

"A date? Dinner and we’ll see what happens?“

"That sounds really good.“

"I’m already exited.“

"I am, too.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to the wonderful LittleSweetCheeks, for reading this chapter, giving good advice and being lovely in general.


	9. The Dance Part II

The Dance  
Dinner had been wonderful. They had enjoyed the food, each others company and the anticipation of things to come. 

As soon as they entered his house, Mike turned around and moved Nadine, pressing her against the door, kissing her, but softly, an invitation. She grabs his neck and pulls him closer, opening her mouth under his, deepening the kiss. His hands move over her waist, pulling her shirt up, touching her soft skin, caressing her stomach, her sides. She opens the buttons of his shirt, pulls it over his shoulders, out of the way. She moves her hands over his chest, over his shoulders, grabs his back and pulls him towards her, breaks their kiss to whisper "Take me to bed, Mike“, before she continues to kiss him, to suck his lower lip between her teeth and bite on it gently. 

Mike lifts her up and takes her to his bedroom, he loves that she is so petite, that he can just carry her around if they both want it. He lays her down in the middle of his bed. He then strips her off her clothes, she lifts up her hips when he pulls down her trousers, her underwear. Her hands undress him fast and expertly, soon they are both naked. He sighs in contentment, he had missed the sight of her. He admires her for a long moment, before he lays down next to her, caressing her face. He kisses her neck, sucking lightly on the skin under her ear, his fingers tracing the elegant lines of her shoulders, her clavicles. "You are so beautiful“. She can see that he is serious, it’s in his eyes, his face, his body. She got him under her spell and they are both loving every second of it. For effect, she lascivious moves, stretches her limbs, his eyes capturing her hungrily. 

She sits up, kisses him, grabbing his upper arms, pulling him down to her, she is breathless, heady with need. "Mike, come here now, I need you.“ He has other ideas. He kisses and licks a trail down her body, sucking on the sensible spots he knows so well. Then he carefully pulls her to the edge of the bed. He kneels down on the floor, between her tights, holding her legs open by the knees. "I'd like to do something else first“ he tells her, with his voice is low and soft, she shudders at that, his voice turns her on so much and he knows it. "I want to taste you first and make you come.“ Nadine can only nod, she is rapidly losing her ability to think straight or talk. 

She relaxes, opens herself to him, to the pleasure he is offering her. She arches as he lifts one hand and gently touches her breast. He rolls her hardening nipple between his fingers and she cannot stop herself from gasping his name. He starts kissing the insides of her her thights and moves up from there. She lifts her head to watch as Mike pleasures her with his mouth and tongue. She’d usually been too busy with her own pleasure to do that before, but now the sight arouses her in a way she never expected. He teases her, heightening her anticipation, she is getting a little desperate, moves her hips against his face, needing more. To her relief, he starts to go down on her, licking, sucking and she bucks up into his face, whimpering. His tongue finds the exact right place and she tightens and arches against his mouth. Her eyes close as she tangles her hands in his hair to guide him closer. He lifts his head and she gives him her best death glare in protest. He searches her face with a wicked grin, pleased with his work and her reaction. When he returns his mouth between her legs, he’s much more demanding. His tongue strokes her clit exactly right and she makes a noise of agreement, encouraging him. He focuses his attention right there, holding her hips as she gasps and writhes against him. She tries to keep some control over her body and the situation, because she usually is a one and done kind of woman, but he is starting to overwhelm her. Her hands clutch at his hair, his neck, his shoulders, any part of him she can reach, the pleasure building and building, she feels herself losing control, feels the electricity running up her spine, down her legs, through her whole body —and then she’s done, her vision whites out, she hears the blood ringing in her ears and nothing else, her body is pulsing and shuddering, on and on, her world is reduced to Mikes arms locked round her hips and the feel of his mouth on her. 

When she finally comes down, she relaxes beneath Mikes now soothing tongue, gentle against her oversensitive clit. He kisses her thigh before he lifts his head to look up at her. “Seems like you really missed me” he tries for smug, but his voice is husky with need, so the effect is ruined. Not that Nadine cares right now. “That was really, really good” she whispers, before she sinks back onto the bed, she needs a moment to breath and recover. Mike is shaking, desperate now, she senses the state he is in, his urgent need. She pulls on his hair, he gets the message. He moves her up until she is fully on the bed again. She grabs the lube from the nightstand, warms some of it between her hands before she uses it on herself and on him, which makes him shudder and twitch. She dries her hands with a tissue, and takes a moment to consider his body, smiling up at him, appreciating his form. He smiles back at her and moves to cover her with this body, careful not to crush her. 

Nadine grabs his shoulder and his neck and pulls his mouth down to her, kissing him deeply while he presses the hard length of his cock against her. She moans against his mouth, her hands gripping his hips. She tastes herself on his tongue and lips and feels her need building up again, strong and fast, surprising her. He looks down at her, his face a mix of pleasure and concentration as she guides him to push inside her. He is still shaking with need. They both pause once he’s fully inside her. She needs a moment to adjust to him, he needs a moment to calm himself. He rests his forehead against the side of her neck, his breathing harsh in her ear. “I missed you,” he whispers before he slowly withdraws, then just as slowly pushes back inside, “I really did.” Nadine can’t answer, cannot get words out as Mike moves in and out of her body. She can only sigh and occasionally gasp his name but it seems to be enough because when she wraps her arms and legs around him and moves against him, giving as good as she gets, his control snaps. And then there is only the sound of their harsh breathing and the sound of their bodies moving against each other. Mike feels his orgasm building, sensing her being close, too. He moves his hand between their bodies, grinds his fingers against her clit. He thrusts hard, again and again and then she’s coming again, voiceless, her head thrown back into the pillows, her face contorted, her insides clenching around him, her body strained and shaking. He watches her come and is done right there, the intensity of his orgasm hitting him with violent force. He groans through it, shuddering against her for a long time, spilling deep inside her. He cannot hold himself up any longer and sinks down on her. 

They try to catch their breaths, holding each other close, both sticky with sweat, spit, lube and their fluids, but right now they don’t care. He wants to lift his weight off her, afraid that he may hurt her, but she holds him in place, needing his weight, the close physical contact. And right then she finally pushes away the last of her insecurities. She whispers into his ear. „I did miss you, too. So much“. He makes a strangled noise, then kisses her slow and deep. Both do not know how long they lie there, telling each other in words and touch how good it is to be together, how much they missed each other. When she starts to get cold, he asks "Shower, fresh sheets and something to drink?“ and she nods. 

He is reluctant to leave their cocoon of intimacy, but gets up, they have to clean up the mess they just made or tomorrow morning will be uncomfortable and messy. She follows suit, carefully stretching her body while she leaves the bed, wincing. "I feel like I was run over by a truck“. He laughs at that "I’m not that big“. She snorts, throws a pillow in his general direction. He has an idea. "Maybe we should take a bubble bath together.“ 

And that they end up doing. 

Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first smut. Consider to not laugh at me when I can hear it. :)


End file.
